Thursday, June 4, 2009

I'm Fine...

There are several answers that one may give to the question "how are you feeling/doing?". Swimmingly, fabulous, any better and I would be writing show tunes, logi, good and fine are amongst the possible responses. Each have their own charm and dispense with the question efficiently but one stands out in raising the hair on the neck of a caregiver or concerned individual. FINE!! It is, after all, a four letter word. It has been brought to my attention as a patient waiting for a heart transplant, this is probably not the correct response to a spouse/Dr/nurse/health care assistant/coordinator or social worker asking the question, especially if it is not true. George Carlin did a bit about the word fine that still rings in my ears. "a comb is fine, a line is fine, but people are not fine!!" he would shout in his gravelly voice.
During this journey, as the baselines are erased and lowered as quickly as they can be drawn, I have redefined "fine" several times and now have reached a point of confusion.
How am I really doing?
I have just spent a few days in the hospital in response to worsening symptoms of heart failure. I was started and sent home on a continuous IV of a medication that will help my heart beat stronger while the wait continues. This medication has several side effects and can be a panacea or a poison. It has caused me to become very aware of "how I am feeling" at all times. The symptoms have become mixed between side-effect and symptom. Add anxiety to the mix and I have real trouble with that question. I guess the best I can do for now is repeat what my father has said hundreds of times in response to that question.
"I got out of bed this morning"
Be good to each other,